{October 15, 2012}   Games

My life is like a game of pick-up-stix, played by fucking lunatics. (T.A.T.U.- Show Me Love)

I don’t know what I’m doing. Okay, I do- I’m pulling away from someone who wants to be with me. Why? Maybe because I just don’t understand why someone would want to be with me. Why would someone want to waste their time with me? Ninety-nine percent of the time I wish I could get away from me. I have a habit of running from anyone who wants to get close to me. I do things to turn them away, I ignore them, I’ve even been down-right mean. I guess I feel like I just don’t deserve to have someone. I’m not used to having anyone there. In the past people have turned from me, taken my trust and a little piece of my heart and left me standing alone. So naturally I’m guarded and maybe a little reluctant to give my trust to anyone again.

What does it take to get to a place where I can let someone care for me? What will it take to allow myself to be a little less guarded and let things happen?


It’s rainy and cold and I’m hurting. I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night because of shooting pains in my shoulder. My back aches and to top it all off when I went on a call for a lift assist yesterday I somehow got a small pebble wedged under the skin on my kneecap. I dug the pebble out but my knees all swollen and bruised and hurting. I just feel very discouraged and useless.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I have an appointment with my psychotherapist and I have to call my doctor because she prescribed Remeron for me. I googled it and apparently Remeron is infamous for causing weight gain (big no-no!!!), anxiety (already have plenty of that) and rapid heartbeat (already tachycardic). I’m definitely not having anything to do with that. If I didn’t know better I’d think everyone is conspiring against me to make me gain weight. I need to lose weight!

{October 9, 2012}   No Regrets!

Okay, so I do have regrets, many of them, but fighting that fire last night is not one of them. My back and shoulder feel like I was hit by a truck last night, but I think it was worth it. Now that the adrenaline is gone I can feel every reason that I’m not supposed to do firefighting. However the pride that I feel for myself and my department hasn’t changed a bit this morning. It’s a wonderful feeling 🙂

Today I’m going to my therapist to fill out paperwork. I guess my elation from last night is flowing over into today because I don’t feel the least bit of anxiety about having to go out/leave the house.

What a great feeling! 😀

{October 8, 2012}   The King Is Not Dead

Brrr!!! New England sucks when fall comes upon us and it turns cold. I’m freezing! So I’m sitting here in my Elvis snuggie absorbing the heat from my cat.

Last night I made dinner for everyone. Homemade baked macaroni & cheese with bits of baked ham, fresh tomato cubes and crumb topping. They loved it! They ate every last crumb of it. It was a very simple meal to make. I didn’t eat because by the time I was finished making it I’d snacked on the tomatoes and wasn’t hungry. So I just had a beer. I was in bed by ten o’clock, though, and that’s early for me. But for some odd reason I’ve been waking up as soon as the sun comes up. I even have every window covered with  dark green blinds, black sheets and dark blue curtains, so it’s not the light from the early morning sun that is waking me up.

I got my flu shot on Friday and had a physical exam, but I refused to be weighed and I also refused to have a pap and breast exam. My doctor wasn’t very impressed but she didn’t push it… she admitted to me that she is afraid to push me to have things done because of my temper. She switched me from Ativan to Klonopin because the Ativan seems to have stopped working. She did spend just over an hour with me and she agreed with me about the way I feel regarding doctors: my therapist deals with my mind, my Osteopathic doctor is supposed to fix my back (only my back) and she is supposed to prescribe meds and make sure I’m not going to keel over anytime soon. Simple as that. She understood why I got so mad about my Osteopathic doctor trying to make me keep a food journal and prove to her what I’m eating and trying to diagnose my mental disorders. That’s not her place.

Ugh. Sorry, I’m still mad about that.

Today’s agenda: nothing. Exactly how I like it 🙂

{October 3, 2012}   Cranky Pants!

I went to see my Doctor of Osteopathy this morning. She apparently reviewed my chart and racked her brain on why a twenty-three year old girl’s body refuses to heal itself or aid in the healing process. So she asked me a lot of questions:

“How many cigarettes do you smoke per day?”

Half a pack.

“How often do you drink alcoholic beverages?”

Maybe twice a month.

“What about your eating habits?”

***Deer in the headlights look, I know what’s happening here…***

What about my eating habits?

“Well, what do you have for breakfast on a typical day?”

A cup of coffee, maybe two.

“Uh-huh, and lunch?”

***I look at the floor and shake my head before meeting her eyes again***

“Um, I think I see a pattern… dinner?”

Depends on the day.

“What did you have for dinner last night?”

***Finally! Easy question!***

Ham, peas and potatoes. (With a side of  Senokot).

“Some meat is good. What about dinner the night before?”

Ummm… I went to bed early and missed out on dinner…

“Well, do you know what Anorexia is? Has anyone ever talked to you about it?”

Um, yeah, I know what it is and no, no, no… I’m not anorexic.

“Then why do you not eat?” ***She gives me an exasperated look***

Because I don’t get hungry. Simple as that. (Insert defense mode and attitude here).

“Because you’ve trained yourself to ignore it. You have to eat, your body needs the fuel… (lecture continues, she sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown).” Just when I think the lecture is over she slips in, “You’re killing yourself. Do you know that?”

***I look away, stay silent***

“I’ll manipulate your body today but I want you to keep a food diary and bring it into me the next time I see you. If you’re not helping yourself, I can’t help you. Do you want a number for a counselor?”

No, I have a therapist.


Needless to say, I did not make another appointment. I’m pissed. At myself. Why didn’t I lie and make up some foods that I ate? Why did I sit there like a little kid being scolded and let her lecture me on and on? Why didn’t I say anything as she worked on me and kept slipping in little tid-bits about eating disorders? Today is a depressing, rainy day and when I came home I came straight to my room, turned my pager off, closed the curtains and I fully plan on staying isolated today. Maybe tomorrow, too. Shit, maybe for the next week or two. I’m so angry that I feel it would be dangerous for me to be around anyone.


{September 19, 2012}   To-Do List One Mile Long

Oh the stresses!

I saw a doctor again this morning and she told me my Scoliosis is getting worse and that it’s causing my upper body to fall out of “balance”. Thank you twisted, bent and curved spine for all of this pain! I will go see her again in two weeks for another adjustment to my back… or entire body, really.

I received a notice in the mail about my court date: November 15th. I immediately called my attorney in a panic to find out if I HAVE to attend the hearing. Unfortunately I do. Of course I am now in a permanent state of panic and anxiety.

I had to call my psychotherapist to see if she would be a “good advocate” for my court hearing. She didn’t answer so I’m anxiously waiting for her to call back. Another reason I want to talk to her: I responded to a call the other night that is bothering me very much. We had to have a police escort to the scene: a twenty-one year old female was violently physically and sexually assaulted and the perp was still on the loose, on foot, in the area. What disturbed me so much about it, and I know well that I am not here to judge my patients, is being the only female responder I was the one to provide care to this patient. As I spoke with her and took care of her she kept smiling an evil smile and laughing. I know this girl, I went to school with her, and there’s nothing mentally wrong with her. She was beaten up, but being a survivor of sexual assault myself, I am having a difficult time dealing with her reaction. This call has been weighing heavily on my mind…

I also had to call a psychologist’s office to request a copy of a psychological evaluation that I had done several months ago. Surprise- no answer! So I’m still waiting to get a call back on that.

AND in less than an hour I have to go get the kids from daycare.

What I really wanted to do today: NOTHING. I wanted to lay in bed or lounge around and try to relax some. But that thought went to hell at 8:30am when my pager went off for an MVA involving a utility pole. Don’t worry, the drunk took off on foot, he wasn’t hurt.

{August 16, 2012}   Acting… Not my Strong Suit

I saw my psychotherapist this morning. It was a short session because I didn’t really have anything to talk about. Well… there wasn’t anything I wanted to talk about. Our session played out very similar to having coffee with a friend- some chit chat and swapping of stories. I didn’t want to talk about how I’ve been very angry lately and don’t know why; I didn’t want to talk about anything, really. Isn’t it strange how sometimes you feel the need to hold things inside, even if they’re eating you alive? I wonder why that is?

{July 31, 2012}   Beyond Busy

I have been so totally, unbelievably busy. I’ve been in class now for two weeks. My class is Monday through Fridays, five days per week AND Mondays and Wednesdays are eight in the morning until eight in the evening (twelve hours). Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays class begins at eight in the morning and ends at six in the evening. That’s… (sadly I need my calculator)… That’s fifty-four hours per week. THEN… on top of class, I have clinicals every weekend where I ride with local ambulance companies and get to employ my skills.

I am worn out. By the time I get home in the evenings I have no brain power left to study. I am convinced that I WILL fail the practical and CBT exams. To be completely honest, I am fighting with all of my might to NOT throw my hands up and give up. Oh, but how easy it would be to conveniently forget to set my alarm for five-thirty in the morning and sleep through half of the day… resulting in my expulsion from the class because punctuality and attendance are mandatory.

I’m trying. I’m done with clinicals and I even did extra time for extra credit so I will have this weekend to study, study, study. And maybe study a little more after that. There are only four days of class left, then testing begins. Oh God, please wish me luck!

On a side note: How I wish I had time in my week to see my therapist! I could really use her encouragement right about now!

{July 16, 2012}   Getting Nervous

My EMT class starts tomorrow and I’m getting nervous. Crazy thoughts keep going through my mind like: Once I’m certified, peoples lives will be in my hands. What if I screw up and do more harm than good? What if I overlook the smallest thing and the patient pays the price?

I wonder if this is normal for soon-to-be EMTs? At this point I’m lacking the confidence that it’s going to take to be a good EMT. Or student, for that matter. I’m told the class that I’m attending is a large one with a lot of students. That makes me nervous, I do better in more intimate settings. I’m praying that I can keep my anxiety at bay so I can get through this class.

On the bright side I see my psychotherapist this morning, so I think our forty-five minutes will be dedicated to calming my nerves and anxiety and pep-talks. So far everybody on the department and most everybody in my family believes in me and supports me in this new venture. I guess I worry about letting them down. What if I don’t pass my clinical? Or practicals or CBTs? I have it in my mind that the testing is a one-shot deal, but in reality you can keep doing the testing until you pass it. But if I fail the first time, does that mean I’m not cut out for being an EMT?

Oh the questions and worries!

{June 13, 2012}   Funerals & More Bad News

Today was my Uncle’s funeral. It was a very nice service. They did a slide show of pictures of him and the family. I have to say… I almost crawled under the pew when a few pictures of me popped up. I had to keep repeating to myself that it wasn’t about me. I made it through.

I went and did some cleaning for a friend this morning to help her out with her cleaning business. When I arrived home to get a shower and get dressed for my Uncle’s funeral, my Aunt called me into the living room and had me sit down. One of my cousin’s had an accident yesterday and she’s in bad shape. She hit her head pretty hard and at this very moment is in the operating room to have an aneurism corrected. It was her father’s funeral today. My cousin and I are close and I’m taking this kind of hard. I didn’t want to go to my Uncle’s funeral, that’s how hard it hit me. I’m PRAYING with all of my heart that she comes out of the surgery and is fine. Please, God, let her be okay.

Isn’t it ironic: Since I joined the Fire & Rescue department, I’ve been burying my loved ones left and right and visiting friends and family in the hospitals. I joined the department to help others, to give something back to the world… and I can’t even help my own family.

Thank God for my psychotherapy appointment tomorrow morning. I’m crumbling under all of the sadness.


{June 11, 2012}   I Complain Way Too Much

We got a call today for a brush fire. It just happened to be a few houses up the road from my parent’s house. It was a whopping eighty-five degrees in the sun and about one hundred and six on scene. With all of our fire gear on I thought I was going to pass out. Each fire call I go on I realize more and more that I am in this mostly for Rescue.  To add to my decision of wanting to do Rescue versus fire fighting, my body can’t handle the weight of the gear. My body hurts twenty-four/seven as it is, then you throw fifty pounds of gear on top of the pain and you have a complete wreck. Eventually the adrenaline wears off and all I think about is how bad I’m hurting. I’m in rough shape after fighting that fire today and all I want (believe it or not) is a cold shower and a hot meal. Oh, and a nice, long nap, uninterrupted by my pager going off to inform me of yet another emergency.

I have some good news to report, too. I called my psychotherapist this morning and explained my need for an appointment sooner than July second. Thankfully, she squeezed me in for this Thursday.

et cetera