notokinthehead











Here it is two in the morning and I’m awake and writing in my journal because there is way too much on my mind for me to be able to fall asleep. I wrote two and a half pages of which I cannot find the motivation to type up for you guys. So I figure I’ll try to post a shorter version, hopefully with less B.S. than I have written in my journal. My therapist is just going to love me in the morning when she sees how much I have written for her to peruse.

So I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I finally knew who I was after many years of struggling with myself and my sexuality. I’ve been writing in previous posts about this mystery “A” person. I have deliberately left out any words that refer to their gender because on my “About Page” I have clearly stated that I am a lesbian. Well, “A” stands for Adam. I haven’t lied about my sexuality. Not to my knowledge anyway. I began dating Adam last week. I can’t even convey how confused I am right now. I don’t even know where to start or how to start. Let me describe Adam for you: he’s an ex-marine who has deployed twice to Iraq. He’s very respectful and polite. He’s a big dork who loves animals and children and cartoons. He’s responsible. He has a good job, helps support his sister and nephews and is making it on his own. Blonde hair, blue eyes… he’s most girl’s dreams. I like him. I enjoy spending time with him and we have fun when we go out. I like how he opens doors for me, asks me before he touches me and waits for me to sit before he takes his seat. He’s a perfect gentleman. And he says he really likes me and wants to spend so much time with me.

We haven’t done anything more than hug. He won’t try unless I provoke it. He doesn’t know that I consider myself a lesbian. He doesn’t know about my past or my mental health problems. He has met my parents, my brother, my Aunt and a few guys from the Fire Department. They all think he’s great. They don’t know that he lost his license back in April from a DUI and can’t drive. They don’t know that he’s a recovering alcoholic who suffers from PTSD from being in Iraq. I don’t know why any of the above matters.

Anyway… I don’t know what I’m doing. I really like Adam, but I don’t want to sleep with him and I don’t see myself wanting to in the future. He says that’s okay, he’s not big on sex. Well… I have a feeling the reason I don’t want to sleep with him is because he’s carrying the wrong equipment. My biggest issue right now is that I seem to have fallen back into my old confusion about my sexuality. Am I willing to give him a try because I’m so desperate for some company, for someone to care for me, for someone to hold onto me? That doesn’t seem fair to him. In my previous posts I have talked about “Maya”, my physical therapist with whom I had a short fling with. With Adam in mind I have asked myself, if Maya showed up asking me for more, what would I do? Well, I’m almost one-hundred percent positive that I’d drop Adam in a heartbeat to be with her. So is that my answer?

I feel guilty, too. My Mother is hoping that Adam has “changed” me into a heterosexual. I feel guilty because I’m like my parents last hope- my four sisters have all been very disappointing in their selection of men, and then they end up with a gay daughter? I know my mother is hoping this from the way she has been asking questions about how our dates have gone. And of course I feel guilty because I don’t want to use Adam. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. However, in the back of my head there’s that little voice you hear everywhere: “How do you know you don’t like something if you don’t try it?”. Once again, that’s not fair to Adam, is it?

So I’m struggling with the seemingly never-ending question of who the hell am I? I thought I knew. Do I?

 



{October 5, 2012}   Dreams and To-Do Lists

I had an upsetting dream last night. In my dream, my Lieutenant, who’s also my favorite guy at the Fire Department, came to my house in our Engine 1 and told me that he and two other Captains had a discussion about me and agreed that I should turn in my resignation. He said to think about it. I walked a figure-eight pattern in the driveway for a few minutes then told him that I would not resign. He said, “You don’t really have a choice.”

I woke up from that dream and I was genuinely angry and upset. It took me a moment to realize that I had a dream and that it wasn’t real. Why in the world would my subconscious do that to me? It seems like a cruel joke. At the present time I live for that department, being an EMT and Firefighter. If it wasn’t for the department I would have nothing to hold onto.

Of course in just a little over an hour I have to go have a physical which is a requirement for the department. Maybe subconsciously I’m worried that something will be askew and I will “fail” the physical, resulting in me having to give up the fire department. And just last night at our weekly meeting I was given the major responsibility of inspecting the ambulance and all of the on-board equipment on a regular basis! It’s an honor, really. Lives literally depend on that ambulance, all of the supplies we carry on-board and especially our heart monitors and AEDs.

After my physical, the blood-work and immunizations, I have to do some grocery shopping. I’d rather stick my thumb in my eye. I hate grocery shopping. Then I’m supposed to go to the Fire Department, print out the State regulations of what we have to have on the ambulance and take an inventory of our on-board supplies.

What I want to do: snuggle in bed and watch TV or just nap.



{August 22, 2012}   Should It Bother Me?

NO, I DON’T. And that bothers me, because I am who I am, however I can’t be proud of who I am. Should I let it bother me? I admire those that do have “pride”. It takes a strong, courageous person to be who they are in the face of the world, which is still full of ignorant people.

I just had to get this off of my chest, in the only safe place I know.

Am I a coward?



{August 8, 2012}   Failure?

YEP.

 

I tanked my national exam. I am so pissed right now. I can retake it, however it will cost me near one hundred dollars and I have to wait until the twenty-second of this month before I’m eligible to retest.

My honest feelings right now (excuse the self-pity and language): I feel like a worthless piece of shit who can’t do ANYTHING.

What sucks so much is I know my stuff! I just suck at taking tests, and you have to pass the exam to prove that you know your stuff.



My hands are shaking and I can feel my heart pounding, thumping in my chest at an unusually fast pace. I’m pissed off and angry. I’m mad to the point where I could start crying any second. I don’t know why I’m mad. I’ve got nothing to be angry about. I hate everybody, too, though not everyone has done something to me. I feel like a time bomb, ready to explode any second. Maybe I’m not mad… maybe I’m just incredibly sad and pathetic? I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I can’t seem to put it into words. I have an overwhelming fog of mixed feelings: hate, anger, misery, pain, numbness, sadness, isolation, fear, loneliness, unworthiness, uselessness, hopelessness, worry, exhaustion… it’s really too much for me to handle and I’m… breaking.
I want to talk about it, but I don’t know how. How can I tell anyone when I can’t put it into words? It’s building up, a constant, unbearable pressure. I’m frustrated. With myself, with my thoughts and feelings, with my parents, my friends and strangers. I keep thinking, “Why can’t anyone understand?!?!”. but I can’t expect anyone to understand… I can’t even begin to understand it myself. I want to scream, yell, hit something, punch someone, cry, sit in a dark room alone, be with someone, stand up for myself, just give up and collapse. I’m breaking, crumbling under the pressure. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a nobody. Am I not good enough anymore? I just want the old me back, no matter how imperfect I was, because I was so much happier before. I just want to laugh without effort, smile without strain. I am completely falling apart… I need someone to hold me together. I feel alone, like there’s nobody in my corner, like if I try and reach out, I will be reaching on forever, without a caring hand to grasp mine. So, I should just save my energy. What’s the point?
My hands are no longer shaking, my heart rate has slowed to a more normal pace and I feel less angered, but still upset, as tears leave stains on my cheeks. Crying is not so bad, I’m not one for crying, but it does help to relieve some stress. Still, I don’t know which is worse… feeling the pain and sadness or the anger? The fog in my head is lifting to some relief and visibility is increasing slightly. I need to know I’m worth the time of day, someone cares and that I make a difference somewhere, anywhere. I need some reassurance that this is going to get better, I won’t always feel like this and the fog in my head isn’t terminal. I feel as though I’m teetering on the brink of a tall, steep slope and I’m losing grip rapidly. I’m afraid… afraid that if I fall, the slope is too slippery and steep to catch myself and I won’t have the energy to climb back up once I hit the rock bottom. I just want to curl up in an empty corner somewhere and sleep forever. I’m scared because this isn’t me, these aren’t my feelings and I feel as though I’m fighting a losing battle with myself. The new me versus the old me and the old me is being defeated quickly, too weak to fight back, facing an almost certain death. I don’t like the new me. I HATE the new me. I can’t BE the new me…
Maybe I should be alone, stay away from other people so my misery doesn’t rub off on them. But I’m tired of being alone. Not in the literal meaning of the word. I’m constantly surrounded by people- people I love, people I know, strangers… but I’m still alone. I need someone to tell me that I’m not alone and that I don’t have to do this on my own… because I don’t think I can. I need help. I need to feel.
I don’t know what’s going on with me and I’m freaking out. I’m scared. I have no control over my thoughts and feelings and it’s all so disorderly… I can’t stand it. I’m spiraling out of control fast. I’m at my wits end, my breaking point. Between the nonstop physical pain and the emotional roller coaster I’m dealing with day in and day out, life has become torturous for me. I’m a prisoner of my body and mind. I feel that I’m not the only one who carries the burden of blame, though.



{May 1, 2012}   *~Leave Me~*

Leave me
Like everyone else
Leave me
To fend for myself
Leave me
To defend myself

It’s nothing new
Same old, same old
I get used
Then thrown out
Like a piece of trash
Discarded
Becoming the past

This is my life
I always think it’ll be different
This time, next  time
But time is running out
You’re here today
Then you’re gone tomorrow
You answered my call yesterday
Today you changed your number

I walk alone in the daylight
And at night time
My shadow the only one I can count on
To be there, to be at my side
The days are lonely
The nights unbearable
Tears falling on my cheeks
For I have no shoulder

Leave me
Like everyone else
Leave me
To fend for myself
Leave me
To defend myself

Leave me
Like everyone else…



{April 11, 2012}   What’s a Little Frustration?

FRUSTRATING. (corny, I know… you should hear my knock-knock jokes! Just kidding.)

I will be spending the majority of my day on the phone and at the hospital. Getting some health insurance is a bitch. It’s incredibly frustrating. You spend a lot of time on the phone talking to brain-dead people, who pass you on to a higher up brain-dead person, then you run around collecting letters and medical records and faxing them to the insurance office. Then you argue some more with the brain-dead people, who don’t return your phone calls and seem to be away from their desk an awful lot. Hmmm… wonder if I should use a “fake” name when I speak to the receptionist? Maybe that will get them on the phone.

“I think that the insane desire one has sometimes to bang and kick grumblers and peevish persons is a Divine instinct.”  ~Robert Hugh Benson

Anyway, my point is I want to strangle these people. I think for each person they deny insurance to, they should all go a week without their own insurance. Then they can experience the stress of having to pay an emergency room bill because they had no choice but to go. Then they could know what it feels like to need an emergency dental procedure, but not be able to have it done because they don’t have insurance. Or let them experience the frustrations associated with having to see an out-of-state cardiologist who wants $400.00 up front and then $50.00 per week until you’ve paid off the $3500.00 bill. These are all necessities that too many people go without. I think if the people who deny the insurance had to experience any of the above, then maybe they’d have some compassion for the less fortunate. The people who are forced to suffer because they have a disability of some type and cannot work a forty-five hour week just to get health benefits.

Argh. Okay, I’m done rambling for now. But only because I have to go sit on the phone and listen to elevator music all day. :/



{March 23, 2012}   *~Losing the Fight~*

01.02.12

How fragile
a heart can be
when it wants for nothing more
than to be loved unconditionally.
How painful
the journey can be
when you walk it alone.
How lonely you can feel
with only your shadow
to keep you company.
The rain pours down
on all of you bad days.
Lightning flashes
thunder rumbles
inside you continue to crumble.
No one here to pick you up
to help put you back together.
No one to ease your fears
to tell you it will get better.
You’ve fallen face-down
no one here, you’re still alone
easier to give up the fight
than to try to get up on your own.



{February 29, 2012}   *~Wounds From the Womb~*

Made in the throes of love
Desperate passion filled the night
Safe and warm, you surrounded me
Made to leave much too soon
Desperate cries filled the room
Scared and cold, discarded from your womb
Only the beginning of a life of rejection
You never marveled over this creation
You never found the time to tuck me in at night
Or the patience to kiss away the tears I cried
I waited for you my entire life
But now it’s too late for you to step in
Now I’ve grown to be my own person
Now you have decided to step up to the plate
But your arrival has come too late…



{February 15, 2012}   Roadblock Shame

Sometimes we cause our own heart aches.

I like you.
I want to touch you.
I want to hold you.
I want to kiss you.
I want to take you home.
I want to protect you-
From me. So I will
watch you from afar,
longing for what could
be, from my little
corner of the world, holding
hands with my shame.
I will cry for you, because
I think I could be what you
need.
I will cry for me, because
I think you could be what I
need.
If I keep my distance, your
spark won’t reach me,
tempting me to get closer.
If I keep my distance, your
gravitational pull won’t
reel me in.
If I can find the strength
I can walk away from you.
If I can find the strength
I can save you.
I shouldn’t like you,
they say it’s a sin.
I can’t touch you
without burning my skin.
I can’t hold you
and risk drowning.
I can’t kiss you
and risk falling.
I can’t take you home
and risk loving you.
I can protect you
from myself- I’ll save you.



et cetera