{March 12, 2013}   Today’s Garb

Another new shirt. It’s white, black, blue, gray and yellow. It’s super comfy in the way that it’s so light, it feels like I’m almost naked. It’s also very obviously a boy’s shirt. I asked my Mother what she thought of it and, with a twisted face, she said it looked nice.


Physical Therapy was super painful today. Too much of her touching my painful spots and aggravating already very angry muscle spasms. My favorite part is when she sits behind me and, using the entire surface if her hands, gently pushes against the spasming muscles. It’s calming. You could probably dig deeper and say I like any positive touching because I have very little to no human contact that isn’t negative or me helping someone else. I think positive human contact is important to have. Sometimes getting that is next to impossible.

{March 7, 2013}   Boys Have The Best Clothes

There is definitely a plaid pattern going on in my wardrobe now. This shirt is from the boy’s section in TJMAXX. Being it’s freezing cold and snowy out-and I have an appointment to go to- I put a navy blue long John shirt under it.

I haven’t seen my psychotherapist in about a month now. This should be interesting… wonder if she’ll give me shit for my hand? Check out the new half cast and awesome buddy taping of my two fingers.


So I have flannel shirts that I’ve had for a long time. A baby blue/white one, a pink/white one, and a brown/white one. But yesterday my friend had me try on a green/black/white one and it looked good. I’ve never been a big fan of the color green on myself. But damn! I like it. I’m wearing it today as a way of easing myself into wearing the others around family. I feel like it’s not fair for me to just all of a sudden change my entire look. That, or I don’t want to listen to their shocked, degrading complaints. Nice & easy does it.
I’m a little bit surprised at how comfortable I am with my new look. And I’m very grateful to have such an awesome, understanding friend who was more excited about getting me a new wardrobe than I was. She’s pretty awesome 🙂

After the snowmobile rescue yesterday my hand is really hurting. And my body, for that matter. It was a difficult rescue for people who weren’t injured. I’m overflowing with pride for sucking it up and doing what had to be done, despite my own troubles. However, my hand is once again deformed. I can’t wait to get back to boxing!

{March 4, 2013}   Shopping= Success!

I went shopping for clothes… finally. It was a success! I got a couple of men’s (okay, boys) plaid button up shirts, both long and short sleeved. I also got a couple boyish t-shirts and a pink camouflage button up. All said and done, I’m pleased with my purchases today. I now have more of a selection to wear, instead of only my fire department shirts. Now I have to find somewhere to try out my new look.
I feel like I’m finally coming into myself, finding the me that’s been kept under cover. I’m excited for what is to come 🙂
I’m going on 35 hours of no sleep. Time to catch up on some shut eye. Besides, isn’t sleep supposed to promote healing?

{February 28, 2013}   Asian Food is not for the Weak

Dear Chinese Food,
I love you, I hate you. You taste so good and your Soy Sauce could bring me to my knees. But you leave me with a headache worse than cheap Vodka.

I’ve always had a slight allergy to MSG, which we all know is most famous in Chinese food. It would leave me with a slight headache and a little bit of dizziness but it was worth it. That is not the case anymore. I had some Chinese takeout last night and less than an hour later it was like I got hit with the flu bug. I got a throbbing headache, I was so dizzy I couldn’t stay up right without feeling nauseous and I broke out in cold sweats. Today I still have a headache, though it’s not as bad as it was last night. I tossed and turned all night in misery. I’ve come to a conclusion: Chinese food is not worth it anymore. Good riddance you yummy, evil food.
I have my weekly fire/rescue meeting this evening and I’m hoping my EMS coordinator or Assistant Chief will have some news on how my patient (car collision victim) made out. We called for a bird to fly him to the city hospital but they weren’t flying in the snow storm. I hope our local hospital was able to stabilize him until he could be transferred. Unfortunately we don’t have a hospital within 100 miles that has the capability to handle head injuries.
My shopping plans for tomorrow have been canceled. My friend has to cover for her manager at work. I’m really not that disappointed. While I was excited about it and looking forward to it, my back has been bothering me a lot and I’m not really up for such a long drive. Not to mention she wanted to go to the bar that’s two hours away again and I really don’t feel like being out until 3am again. I think I might just go to my Aunt’s house and have a game night instead. Keep it low key. That’s more my style- calm and laid back.
But for today I’m doing nothing 🙂  Maybe later this afternoon I will hang up my punching bag. God knows I need the exercise. My calm and laid back personality curses my physical shape. I could definitely afford to lose 20 lbs. Or more. But now I’m getting way ahead of myself.

{February 26, 2013}   Butch Look

Okay, so I have never been one to get caught up in appearances or to make statements about myself through my style. What style? Haha. My wardrobe consists of fire/ems shirts, work pants, jeans and a few hoodies. I have one pair each of sneakers, shit kickers and combat (ems) boots. When I went out Friday night I really took notice of my meager selection of clothing. So I have decided that this Friday I am going to take a chunk of my paycheck and go to the city to buy myself some clothes. I’m leaning towards the men’s sections in the department stores. I like the idea of a preppy-ish men’s button up shirt. But can I pull it off? I’m not really concerned about anyone’s reaction to me wearing men’s clothes (I’m going through a fuck-it phase, remember?) I just want to look decent and, most importantly, feel good about myself. I don’t know, maybe I won’t end up buying men’s clothes, but I want to try on all of the different skins until I find the one  I’m happy and comfortable in. Rest assured I will be accompanied by a good, open-minded friend who won’t allow me to walk out of the stores looking like a clown 🙂

For once in my life this tomboy is excited about going shopping. The idea of finding my “look” has got me looking forward to the rest of the week. And of course once I find my “look” I’m going to have to find a place to show it off. Maybe my first gay bar adventure is in the very near future?


{February 1, 2013}   Adventures At Olive Garden

I went shopping all day with my friend. As always we had to go to Olive Garden, our favorite restaurant ever. I always get the same dish of lasagna and she always tries something new, but we always return after a few hours of shopping for desert: Coffee and a shared piece of Black Tie Mousse Cake. Mmm! We had a lot of fun. We went to several stores in the mall including Spencers and we hit our favorite place… the Adult Superstore. We have fun in there simply because we act totally immature. And obviously for other reasons also (hehe).

I haven’t had so much fun in a really long time. It feels good to let loose and be that little teenager that stays locked up inside all of the time. That teenager I wasn’t able to be when I should’ve been. Today I was responsible for only myself, not my ailing grandparents (like when I was supposed to be enjoying my high school years), my mentally ill mother or any of my sister’s children.

Pure freedom is the most amazing feeling. That’s why I ride motorcycles 🙂

I am going to sleep a very content girl tonight. Right after I finish this beer…

et cetera