{February 2, 2014}   Not in my Bed


Good God… I’m never getting laid again. Not in my lair anyway. My bed has clearly been taken over by much hair-ier creatures. I too must sleep curled up in a tiny ball to keep from being pushed onto the floor.
This must be what it’s like to have children.

Don’t go getting all offended by the above content. I’m just saying what we’ve all thought at one time or another.

{July 24, 2013}   ~*Time Slipping Away*~

Time Slipping Away

{July 11, 2013}   Another Sleepless Night


“She only drinks coffee at midnight/when the moment is not right/and the timing is quite unusual/you see her confidence is tragic/but her intuition’s magic/and the shape of her body, unusual…” -Meet Virginia, Train

Lately my bedtime goes like this:
>>>>> One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol’ McDonald had a farm, heeeyyyy Macarena! I hate everybody. Am I really upset that the doctor’s office hasn’t sent me a bill yet? Shit, I forgot to take my medication today. I need to put gas in my car. I’m two weeks and three dead bodies behind on reports. I need to fall asleep now, I have to get up in three hours and fifty-five minutes. I can’t wait for my friend to come up on the nineteenth. My Portuguese is way better than it was, but it needs a lot of improvement. I’m going to be dragging ass tomorrow. I’m praying that someone can take this pain away. Ugh, three hours and fifty minutes. It’ll take me, what, an hour and a half to fall into a restful sleep, if I can, then I have to get up two hours and ten minutes later? But I’m still dressed, so round it off to maybe two hours of sleep. I wonder if I’ll be able to get a nap in tomorrow? If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I would already have you up under my arm… you think you’re cooler than me.

Am I the only one? (I’m the only one who’ll walk across the fire for you, and I’m the only one who’ll drown in my desire for you…). It’s never ending!

{March 4, 2013}   Shopping= Success!

I went shopping for clothes… finally. It was a success! I got a couple of men’s (okay, boys) plaid button up shirts, both long and short sleeved. I also got a couple boyish t-shirts and a pink camouflage button up. All said and done, I’m pleased with my purchases today. I now have more of a selection to wear, instead of only my fire department shirts. Now I have to find somewhere to try out my new look.
I feel like I’m finally coming into myself, finding the me that’s been kept under cover. I’m excited for what is to come 🙂
I’m going on 35 hours of no sleep. Time to catch up on some shut eye. Besides, isn’t sleep supposed to promote healing?

{February 13, 2013}   I Want to be a Cat

I think we’ve all given thought to which animal we’d like to be if we could be any animal we choose (other than human, the worst animal of all). I would want to be a cat, but I’d want to be my cat, Babe, not just any cat. Babe has it made.  She has the ability to make anyone like , even those who claim they don’t like cats. She gets all kinds of attention, yet is able to disappear when she wants some downtime. She’s very well taken care of and very loved. Man, the life of a cat! Oh yeah, and she gets to sleep in when I have to get up…


{October 15, 2012}   Games

My life is like a game of pick-up-stix, played by fucking lunatics. (T.A.T.U.- Show Me Love)

I don’t know what I’m doing. Okay, I do- I’m pulling away from someone who wants to be with me. Why? Maybe because I just don’t understand why someone would want to be with me. Why would someone want to waste their time with me? Ninety-nine percent of the time I wish I could get away from me. I have a habit of running from anyone who wants to get close to me. I do things to turn them away, I ignore them, I’ve even been down-right mean. I guess I feel like I just don’t deserve to have someone. I’m not used to having anyone there. In the past people have turned from me, taken my trust and a little piece of my heart and left me standing alone. So naturally I’m guarded and maybe a little reluctant to give my trust to anyone again.

What does it take to get to a place where I can let someone care for me? What will it take to allow myself to be a little less guarded and let things happen?


It’s rainy and cold and I’m hurting. I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night because of shooting pains in my shoulder. My back aches and to top it all off when I went on a call for a lift assist yesterday I somehow got a small pebble wedged under the skin on my kneecap. I dug the pebble out but my knees all swollen and bruised and hurting. I just feel very discouraged and useless.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I have an appointment with my psychotherapist and I have to call my doctor because she prescribed Remeron for me. I googled it and apparently Remeron is infamous for causing weight gain (big no-no!!!), anxiety (already have plenty of that) and rapid heartbeat (already tachycardic). I’m definitely not having anything to do with that. If I didn’t know better I’d think everyone is conspiring against me to make me gain weight. I need to lose weight!

It’s after five-thirty in the morning and I still have not gone to bed. It’s definitely not for lack of trying. I laid in bed for two hours without sleeping at all, so I decided to get up. Now poor Babe isn’t very happy with me. She was curled up, comfy and sound asleep in the curve of my thighs and belly. Now I figure I’d have to get up and start the day in less than three hours, so why bother trying to go to bed now? I find it only makes me more tired to get not enough sleep than no sleep at all.

I over-did it exercising this evening, but it’s a good kind of pain. My muscles are burning like they’ve been exposed to the sun, gotten sunburned and then stung by a hornet. I know what you’re probably thinking- that feels good? Haha. I guess you’d have to me be to understand. Or just as crazy as I am.

I get my sutures out in a couple of hours 😀

"The Babe"
As my niece calls her.

et cetera