notokinthehead











{October 20, 2013}   Drained

How can one

person take so

much from you?

Out of you?

How can one

person cause you

so much pain?

So much frustration?

 

Seems it’s true-

you’re damned if

you don’t, damned

if you do.

Do you crawl

into your own

dark abyss, lock

yourself away from

the people, the

mess? Isolate and

keep your heart

safe?

 

I’ve been hurt by who I thought was a good friend, and in turn the person I thought was a good friend turned to my own family to try and turn them against me with their lies. Fortunately for me my family knows me and knows that person is lying about me. However it doesn’t stop it from stinging. I too easily turn the hurt and pain into anger. I’m battling the anger now, though it feels like a losing fight. I’m finding myself feeling vindictive, and that scares me because I’m not a vindictive person. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with the Chief of Police in hopes of getting the harassing text messages and phone calls to stop. I need to dig down deep right now and find the strength to be the bigger person. I can overcome the little people in this world. I just have to stay strong and not let them win.



{July 1, 2013}   Cry Baby

Since I’ve been out of physical therapy for two weeks things have progressively gotten worse. I’ve had almost a constant dead-arm (pins and needles, heavy, goes completely numb) for over a week, my shoulder blade and my entire back are almost unbearably achy and I’ve had a shooting, sharp pain going from my lower back down my left leg. And did I mention that the pain clinic dropped me like a hot cake, with no reason given, a week ago? I’ve had a pretty rough few weeks. I admit I’ve had a bad attitude and been in a bad mood since they dropped me as a patient. I turn the sad feelings such as hopelessness, helplessness and sorrow into anger. I guess it’s just easier to be angry than to be any of the above mentioned emotions. Of course I already have the anger issues, even when things are going great. I think the combination of everything over the last few weeks makes a volatile poison. When the pain clinic dropped me I was awash with hopelessness. Even though I was still in pain while receiving treatment the fact that they were trying to help me gave me hope. Now that no one is trying to help the pain, the hope has vanished. I don’t know where I go from here. In the area that I live in the pain clinic was the last resort.

As I laid in bed for a few hours this morning, staring at the ceiling, thinking and daydreaming, I realized that as badly as I want to pick up and start anew somewhere where no one knows me and I can find my true self, it won’t stop the pain from coming. It won’t stop the eruption of anger. I can’t run away from these problems for they have literally become a part of me and who I am. At least here I have my friends and my family, people who care about me and even a select few who understand what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. I can wish all day that circumstances were different than what they are, but it won’t do me any good. I need to do something about it before I see any results. So far every door I’ve chosen had led me down a dead end hallway, but like a game show, I know one of the doors will lead me to the prize. I just have to find the strength and determination to keep opening the doors and going down those dark hallways until I find the light at the end of the tunnel.

So basically… I’m going to need a lot more coffee.



et cetera