{February 10, 2013}   One Year, One Day

Blizzard 2013

Yesterday WordPress informed me that it was my one-year anniversary in the blogging world. Unfortunately, we had a State of Emergency and I did not have the time/chance to write a decent blog marking the milestone. I had to do a 24-hour shift at the department and I hope to not have to do that again! Military cots are awful (no one ever mentions that when they talk about our men and women across seas!), I’ve never shoveled so much in my life (had to keep the bay doors cleared and the Town Road Crew couldn’t keep up with it) and one of our EMS teams buried our ambulance in a snowbank. What a shift it was! Needless to say, in a mere twenty-four hours I undid all of my physical therapists hard work. Oops. Now I am exhausted so I’ll try to keep it somewhat short and sweet. Here are the big things that I learned and have impacted me in the last year since I began my blog:

I joined my town’s fire department and took an EMT course. On that same note, I became the department’s #2 responder and administrative assistant, as well as the only female firefighter/EMT on the department. I completed a driving course and received a certificate enabling me to drive any fire/rescue apparatus in three states in New England.

I moved back to my parent’s house. What more is there to say about that? I’m comfortable and content here… don’t judge.

I lost my best friend but gained much knowledge in how relationships are supposed to work. I learned that I’m not going to be happy when I give and give and get nothing but sh*t in return. That’s a big step!

I learned that BEING someone really does have to do with the company you keep. If you want to be a respected and valued person in your community, you need to surround yourself with the same. Not drunks and dead-beats. Alcohol will get you nowhere but down.

The Police really are your friends, not your enemies. I let the actions of a few blind me to the good ones. I’m proud to say that I am now friends with all five police officers in my town as well as a few State Troopers. In EMS they are, in fact, our bulletproof vests, our angels. They are human and, like me and you, make mistakes.

I was a part of my brother’s elaborate wedding proposal which included the fire department’s apparatus and half of the fire department. I’m going to have a new sister-in-law on June first! (I actually like this one, hehe)

I chopped my long hair off! And I love it!!! (Of course I donated it to breast cancer patients)

I bought a new car and got rid of my old truck.

My family received the news of my Mother’s terminal illness. Then we received the news that instead of having only a few years… she could have ten or more!

One of the most important things, if not the most important, that has happened to me in the last year since I began blogging is gaining my new “family” in the fire department. There’s nothing like knowing you’d give your life for someone without a second thought and knowing that they would do the same. Nothing compares to that.

That completes my list, though I could go on and on. I have no song for today, but here are a couple of music videos I really like:



{January 14, 2013}   Self-Inflicted Boo-Boos

I got a call last night for a twenty-four year old male who had stabbed himself repeatedly with a fork. After the police cleared the scene for me I went on scene to see the patient. Turns out I went to school with the kid and know his rap well. He’s a little unstable and when we were eighteen he drove drunk with a friend in the car and ended up totaling the car and paralyzing his friend for life. I look at the kids arm and asked him what happened. He just kept repeating that he was mad, he was pissed off, better he hurt himself than stab his girlfriend. How can I disagree with that? Anyway, he had stabbed himself deeply five times in the left wrist and forearm and he’d lost a quite a bit of blood. By this time the second ambulance is pulling up so I applied a couple of pressure dressings and sent him on his way to the hospital.

For me, this call was pretty awesome. Most of the calls I get are elderly people who slipped and need assistance getting back up or malfunctioning fire alarms. I do wonder what made him do this, though. I have done things to injure myself when I’ve been angry, too, but it’s usually just punching a wall or something of the like. I can’t imagine stabbing myself with anything, let alone a fork. That’s four to five holes per stab. So five stabs and you’ve got at least twenty puncture wounds. That has to be painful. There was a lot of blood, a lot, but even though I couldn’t see clearly through all of the blood, I have no doubt that the punctures were deep enough to go through muscle, tendons and even nick the bones.

This morning I got more nerve blocks in my thoracic spine via a catheter. That was painful. I have a bleeding disorder and they pushed me out of the office rather quickly, so by the time I got home there was a quite a bit of blood on my back, shirt and waistline of my pants. My Mother freaked out. She has a weak stomach so I ended up taking care of her and having my Father take care of my issue.

Not too long ago I had a weak stomach. When I was sixteen I watched my sister give birth to my niece and I was with her for thirty-two excruciating hours. When my little niece finally came out into the world I missed it. I passed out from the blood. Not once, but twice. Then when she was four (I was twenty-one) she fell and split her lip open. I fainted… again. I don’t know what happened but it was like over night I changed and suddenly blood doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m always fixing up scraped knees and cuts for my niece and nephew. I’ve had some gruesome calls with Rescue. Such as during my clinicals with a local ambulance service: two bikers went down while doing approximately fifty-five mph, not wearing helmets. The female passenger on the bike had a head injury and was bleeding from all over her body from road rash and lacerations (she was wearing short-shorts and a bikini top). Or the middle-aged man who had some disease that I forget the name of- he was bleeding from his nose, mouth, ears and both eyes. This stuff no longer bothers me, instead it gets my adrenaline pumping. This person is bleeding and I know how to fix it! Maybe that’s just it: I now have the knowledge to deal with the issue, when before I felt helpless.

{November 6, 2012}   When the Victim Wins

What a night! I got a page for a domestic violence, stage and wait for police to clear the scene, etc. We finally went on scene to find a young female (not sure of age, my partner tended to her) with an obviously broken nose covered in blood. While my partner tended to this patient I assisted the police with their suspect who had been attacked by a pit bull when he assaulted his girlfriend. The guy was a mess. The dog didn’t bite him but he ended up tearing him up with his claws pretty good. I did my assessment, asked if he’d like to go to the hospital and he refused transport (he was drunk as hell). So I cleaned him up per the police Chief’s request (“don’t want blood in my cruiser”) and sent him on his way to jail. The female victim also refused transport opting to drive herself instead and my partner and I gave the dog a biscuit. It’s a shame that she had to suffer a punch and a broken nose, but she’s lucky she has such a loyal and protecting dog. It could have been much worse for her, but it was definitely him who got the worst of it all. As far as I’m concerned, the victim won this time!

Once I cleared the station I returned home to find a suspicious vehicle sitting at the end of my driveway. There was a man in the driver’s seat, it was running but the lights were off. I gave him ten minutes to leave in case he was pulled over to text or something. When he didn’t leave and instead got out of the truck and just disappeared from sight, I grabbed my gun and the phone. I called the officer I had just been with at the last call and gave him the license plate number and description of the vehicle. The officer was here in less than thirty seconds. I’m not exaggerating. While we were talking about the subject the vehicle was registered to, the guy hopped into the truck and tore off in a hurry. The cop caught up to him and gave him the third degree but ultimately had to let him go because there was nothing to get him on. Fortunately for me, I now have a good reputation in this town and the police officer will be driving by several times throughout the night.

It’s been a very stressful day and the night wasn’t much better. Now I’m going to load up on some Aspirin, smother on some Voltaren Gel, lay on my heating pad and watch some Chelsea Lately.

Chelsea Handler & Chuy Bravo

{October 25, 2012}   Hate Gays?

I LOVE this picture! And look how happy and proud the man holding the sign is! Maybe some day I will be able to do this and be just as happy and proud. Of course, that would never happen where I live now, but there are nearby cities I could disappear to…

I’ve been having a ‘down’ day. I’ve just felt depressed and haven’t had interest in anything. I laid in bed from two this afternoon until nine-forty-five tonight. And I still feel tired. I know I’m probably beginning to sound obsessed, however I could really use some time with my EMS partner. He’s just awesome. He can make me smile when I want to throttle one of the other guys. He can make me laugh when I just want to cry. He’s an amazing guy all around.

Speaking of crying… I think there’s something wrong with me. Have you ever seen that movie, “The Holiday”, starring Cameron Diaz? If you have then you’ve laughed at how she tries and tries to cry but can’t. I could really use a good cry, but I don’t cry. I can count on one hand how many times I have cried.

Times I should have cried:

  • When the woman I loved moved out of state. I didn’t shed a single tear, though I felt lost. I didn’t talk about it, even to my therapist, because I just wanted to pretend that she never existed, that our paths had never crossed.
  • When my mother beat the shit out of me so badly that my right eye closed up for over a week. I didn’t cry. The pain wasn’t so bad, I have a rather high tolerance for pain, probably from years of experience. But the emotional pain, the fact that someone I love so much could purposely harm me… that should have made me cry. For days.
  • When my Grandfather passed away. My Grandparents played a huge role in my up bringing. But when my Grampa passed away on Christmas Day in 2006 I didn’t cry. I was the shoulder for everyone else to cry on. I was the rock. Even at his funeral I was the strong one while everyone else broke down. And my heart was shattered.

So why don’t I cry? Should it bother me that I’m not a blubbering fool? I just want to feel more human. I don’t want to be like those girls who break down over the smallest obstacle in their lives. However, I do feel like now would be a good time to have a small meltdown. I wonder if they give lessons on how to cry? Maybe there’s a book out there on it, How To Cry For Dummies, 101.

I guess crying isn’t that important. I wouldn’t mind experiencing that feeling of relief so many people claim to have after a good cry, though. Maybe it will happen in time if I can learn how to sort out my feelings. Stop turning hurt into anger. Hey, maybe that’s a good place to start!

Tonight’s song is She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes:



{October 24, 2012}   Surfing the Diets

I’ve been surfing online for over an hour now for an affordable weight-loss pill, seeing as the ones I’ve been taking have seemed to stop working. By affordable I mean twenty dollars or less. I stumbled across the Diet Dots you see on the left here. The reviews are unbelievable, as in I’m not sure the company didn’t write them to try and sell their products. One ‘customer’ wrote that she lost eight pounds in the first two weeks and ten pounds the following two weeks of taking it. She claims she didn’t change her diet and she doesn’t exercise. Hmmm… eighteen pounds gone in a month without any work put into it? I’m a bit skeptical, but for four dollars I think I’ll give it a try. IF it does such miracle work by itself, just imagine what it would do with some exercise and calorie restriction! Maybe I could finally reach my goal weight. Maybe tonight when the stores are empty I will go get some for a trial, and also pick up a new jump rope because the dog thought mine looked like a fun tug-of-war toy, and my niece agreed with him whole-heartedly.

I need underwear like this. Good motivational tool.

Right now I’m saving up money to buy a good punching bag, more for my mental well being than exercise. I don’t want to be one of those women who is all muscular and scary looking. I just want to lose more weight and have a healthy way to let my anger out. My father says that if I have a punching bag to let my anger out on I’ll end up with broken hands. Ha! He sure does know me, but I learned how to effectively punch when I took martial arts and self defense classes. Now if only I could get my mother to stop bringing me pants. The thought is a good one, but she hands them to me and says, “You’re the only one I can think of that’s small enough to squeeze into these”. And then I can’t squeeze into them. Hello! I’m not a size zero! Yet.

Make the flabbiness go away.

Make the love handles melt.

Make my thunder thighs slim.

Make my upper arms still, not jiggly.

Make my face sharp and shapely, not round and pudgy.

{October 22, 2012}   Explosive Aches

I got up this morning and ended up going right back to bed my back and entire body ached so. It didn’t last long though, I ended up with both of the kids, and they were both miserable. The girl was just down-right miserable and argued about everything, and the boy was just blatantly disrespectful and mean. I ended up losing my temper and throwing the cigarette rolling machine across the kitchen (the kids were not in the room) and leaving them with my mother while I went and hid in my room. I was seething right up until my pager went off for an eighty-five year old male with a terminal illness (cancer) and difficulty breathing. When my pager goes off, I go away, I leave myself and become someone else entirely. After the call I was able to hang out with my partner at the station for a little bit. My partner is a pretty amazing guy. Something about him is so calming and reassuring. He ‘grounds’ me, brings me back around and puts a lid on my boiling rage. He’s like another brother or Dad to me. Only the blood-family dynamic isn’t there, which is probably why it works so well.

I wish I could find a way to tame my anger, keep my temper in control. I see my therapist tomorrow so maybe I can try to work on that a little. I also see my Osteopathic Doctor tomorrow, hopefully she can help me out with this pain. It’s exhausting.

{October 11, 2012}   Paranoid

I am so back and forth on every decision I can’t stand it. I agreed to see a movie with a friend on Friday and to go to their house this afternoon (I‘m pretty sure they see this as a date). I’ve found myself making up excuses to not go today and I’m yo-yoing about Friday night. A movie sounds good… a dark, crowded theater with God-only-knows who else, doesn’t sound very appealing. I wish I were able to just make a split second decision and not think about it any further. It seems like I think and think and think too much until I’m convinced that it’s an absolutely bad thing and I back out of it. I don’t let it show but I’m a nervous wreck all the time. I guess you could say I’m a little bit paranoid. Here are some of the things I do on a daily basis, usually several times a day:

* I check the entire interior of my truck for intruders before I get in it. I often use a flashlight to shine through the windows, which are tinted, and I’ll probably get the cops called on me one of these times. But I try hard to not leave the house at night.

* I check and recheck to make sure that all of the doors and windows of the house are locked. That’s the tough part about living with others, they open windows constantly and defend their actions with, “We live in the woods, no one’s going to come here and break in”. Sure.

* If I am home alone and someone pulls into the yard I quickly shut out all of the lights and hide in the pantry, where there are no windows.

* If I come home at night and no one else is home, I take my gun from under the seat of my truck and check the entire house for intruders.

Those are just some of the things I do. I know there are others I’m not thinking of right now but I do so many things without even realizing it. People laugh at me and make fun of me for it, but I think you can never be too careful. No one will dominate me ever again. Watch the news and tell me you feel safe leaving your windows or doors unlocked, or you feel totally comfortable walking to your car by yourself at night. I may go a little over the top, but for exactly that reason many people won’t mess with me.

And I leave you with my ever-persistent indecision: Do I go to the movies Friday night or do I fake a sickness and stay home?

{October 1, 2012}   Psych!… Emergencies

It’s incredibly sad and amazing how many psych calls we get in my town. Being on the rescue squad I have to go. I’d really rather not, especially when the patient is wielding a machete. These calls bother me especially and the only reason I can think of is something in each of my psych patients reminds me of me: thirteen year old boy, overdosed on anti-depressants and flipped out in anger. Fifty-nine year old man, lonely, tired of being disabled, overdosed on Oxycodone and pulled a machete when the cops showed up (that was this morning’s call). Forty-two year old female, “just tired”, overdosed on alcohol and Citalopram and turned the gas on in her residence so she could “take a nap and feel better”. Every one of these patients were reaching out for help, wanting someone to care, someone to be there for them. I’ve been there and I still revisit those old feelings from time to time. I understand them, and that scares me, for I know many people don’t and I have heard my own partners call them “crazy” at the end of the shift. They’re not crazy. They’re hurting, they feel defeated and they’re doing the only thing they can in their desperation to say “I need help”.

I console myself by knowing that I was the first one there when they needed the help, I held their hands and I listened to them. Just by being there and giving them my undivided attention I’ve showed them that they are not alone, that people do care about what happens to them. I’ve demonstrated to them that when they need someone, someone will be there for them. I wish I could get to them before they do something drastic and life-threatening, but that’s unrealistic in my profession. I just have to take comfort in knowing that I was there, I am here, and I will go running out the door every time they call, racing to their side to aide them, both physically and emotionally.

{September 19, 2012}   *~Sorry, Maybe~*

Talking to me
is like rolling
the dice. What
will you get?
Will I be
angry or nice?
I couldn’t tell
you, just know
it has nothing
to do with
you. It’s all
about me, me,
me. I’m out
of control, on
a rampage at
times, crying at
others. I will
yearn for your
hug, then turn
around and slap
you. It’s not
me, it’s the
demons that reside
within my crazy
mind. I’m so
sorry if I
hurt you, I
don’t want to.
My words are
sweet at best,
sting like a
white-ass hornet
when I lose
it. I can
promise you this:
This hurts me
more than any
attack I could
break out on

Maybe it’s a
little too late
to ask for
your patience, your
forgiveness. Maybe you
could never understand,
try as you
might. Maybe I
was meant to
push people away
from me. Maybe
my apologies are
worn out, spoken
too many times
with no change
to prove my
repentance. Maybe I
can be a
better person? Though
I won’t ask
you to hold
your breath for
me. I want
To be “average”.
I want to
keep my promises,
be sincere with
my “sorries”. I
don’t want to
be crazy anymore…

{September 19, 2012}   Temper? CHECK.


I’ve been out of my medicine since Thursday and I just got into a fight with my mother.

I may have completely destroyed the kitchen.

I might feel bad later because the six year old was there and it scared her.

Right now I don’t care.

I’m writing this because I’m trying to refrain from causing more damage.

My temper is completely out of hand and I need my meds bad.

The pain I am constantly in isn’t helping matters, either.

I’m pretty well fed up with just about everything.

I need to find ground.

et cetera