notokinthehead











{July 19, 2013}   ~*New Beginnings*~

The sky blackens with threatening clouds
the breeze becomes a violent wind
the hair on my arms stand up
my pulse quickened.

I watch the lightning strike
feel th thunder rattle my bones
I close my eyes to the flashes
feel the cool rain on my skin.

The sun peaks through cracks in the clouds
thunder fades and birds are singing
tiny beads of water coat the foliage
the summer storm has passed…
… leaving life in it’s path.



{July 18, 2013}   Lightning Strikes Again

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I’m scared to death of thunder and lightning. And my fears are legit: we fought a structure fire last night that was caused by lightning. Today we got called back for hot spots. I got nasty sweaty and dirty. And it’s 92° out with 94% humidity. Ugh!
We’re supposed to have more severe thunderstorms rolling in within the next two hours. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t start any fires or cause anyone else the heartache of losing their home.
I haven’t taken any pain killers in two days and man am I feeling it. Especially after the structure fires.



I awoke about 05:30 this morning balling my eyes out because the pain in my shoulder was so bad. I haven’t a clue what I did to make it hurt so bad. But it hasn’t gotten any better throughout the day. In fact I called my doctors office begging them to call me in a script for pain meds, me- the one who is 100% against taking any meds that would impair my ability to do my job. At this point I can’t do my job anyway. I’m currently awaiting a call back from my doctors office.
I went out and bought a cat door, $39.98, and had my Dad install it today. My cat won’t use it. Instead, she avoids it like the plague and still scratches the hell out of my door. I guess I’ll google how to make a cat use a cat door.
As I bang this post out, sitting in my room in the sweltering heat, my thermometer reads 98.5 degrees outdoors and 98 degrees indoors. I’m melting.



{May 26, 2013}   Snow on May 25th? Yep!

Welcome to New England. Right now we’re experiencing a bit of a wintry mix out there. We’re approaching our 8th straight day of rain.
There are some exciting events coming up. On Saturday, June first, my brother is getting married! Then I’m leaving for Boston June 7th-10th for a mini vacation with one of my best friends. It’s going to be a great, relaxing time and I’m really looking forward to it.
On the less sunny side of things… I’ve been working my ass off at the Fire Department, I take my best friend for surgery on Thursday, the State has sent me a letter asking me to obtain custody of my 17 year old nephew whom I haven’t seen since he was 3 and my back is killing me.
Chin up! Things can always be worse, right?



{March 19, 2013}   Cold Blanket

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These photos were taken from inside my front door. It’s twenty-two degrees out and we have eleven inches of snow, it’s still snowing and we’re expecting another five to eight inches throughout the night tonight. So far we’ve skated through with only one car accident this snow storm… but it’s not over yet. One thing that sucks is having to clean my car off every hour in case my pager goes off. I did get to work the car accident with the female police sergeant this morning though 🙂



{November 7, 2012}   Mother Nature Must Be Mad

Forecast from weather.com

We are now under a Winter Advisory here in New England, just a little over a week after we got slammed by hurricane Sandy. At least we know what to do with snow and ice! They’re predicting lots of sleet, freezing rain and snow beginning this afternoon through tomorrow morning.

Many areas of New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania have mandatory evacuations already in place. Those poor souls, they’re still trying to get back on their feet from the devastation Sandy wreaked on them. They’re in my prayers.

As for us in Northern New England, when they start warning us about freezing rain many of us flashback to the infamous Ice Storm of ’98. I was only nine years old but our area was the hardest hit and I remember it well. We had no electricity for sixteen days and we had a sizable tree land on the roof of our house and the tree limbs went through my third story bedroom window. Our doors got frozen closed so we couldn’t open them so my Dad used a propane torch (at a distance) to melt the ice so we could get out if we had to. When finally we were able to leave the house we found trees down everywhere, including two across our driveway. I remember placing five gallon buckets of snow and ice next to the wood stove so it would melt and we could flush the toilets.

Ice Storm of ’98

This storm isn’t supposed to be nearly as bad as the one in 1998. But it is the first real snowfall of the season for us, so it gains a lot of attention and everyone’s getting excited. The kids are already talking about building snowmen and having Grampa pull them around the yard on their sleds. My brother has been counting down the days until Christmas since July and he’s begun decorating already. I still have pumpkin lights hanging in my front bay window. I’m not quite as ready for fall to turn into winter. I detest the cold temperatures and the ice on the windshield of my truck. I loathe the snow that gets tracked into the house to  leave little puddles of cold water to step in. And the constant wet-dog smell from him rolling in the wet snow. Let’s not neglect to complain about how the cold makes my body ache so much worse than usual.

Personally, winter is the worst time of year for me. The short days, little sunlight and cold seem to drive me deeper into my depression. I leave the house even less than I normally do because the thought of the cold and the snow are enough to deter me from doing anything I’d like to do. I spend hours curled up by the wood stove with my cat reading books. Occasionally I might step outside so I can slam someone in the face with a snowball. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to hit people in the face with cold snowballs? When the Holidays roll around I become the Grinch. My house is the largest so everyone convenes here for the celebrations and it gets crowded. Soon every room has people in it and there’s nowhere to go to escape the invasion and the loud chatter. I love my family but I also like my solitude.

Wow, that’s quite the tangent I went into. See what winter does to me?



{October 30, 2012}   Sandy Was Good To Us

Queens, NY. Reported over 80 homes burned flat.

Sandy was pretty good to us here in Northern New England. I was out straight from about five o’clock yesterday afternoon until about ten o’clock this morning chasing fire alarms and cutting trees out of roadways. We lost power two different times, but as far as I know, Sandy didn’t wreak too much havoc in my area. In fact I think Sandy’s biggest accomplishment in this area was managing to keep every first responder, Firefighter and EMT on their toes and sleep deprived. But that’s nothing compared to what she did in New York and New Jersey. The officials in New York are comparing Sandy’s wrath to that of 9/11 (damage-wise). We had an LODD in Connecticut yesterday- praying for God’s speed and his family.

Atlantic City, NJ

Everyone has a long road to haul now that Sandy has come and gone.

As for me personally, I did a damned good job of tying everything down and preparing for Sandy. The only evidence of her being at my house is the flooding and the mess of branches and leaves. We only got about 2.5″ of rain and 52mph wind gusts. It looks like the kids will still get to have their Halloween tomorrow night!

Good riddance, Frankenstorm!

Now I’m off to recuperate and try to get some much-needed sleep! My body is killing me.



Is there a more appropriate song? Tonight is a full moon, Hurricane Sandy is getting ready to bear down on us and we just had an earthquake a few weeks ago. Jamming to this song today!



{October 29, 2012}   Natural Disasters

I’m a disaster. I’m not sure how ‘natural’ I am, but I’m definitely a disaster.

I spent a large portion of the day ‘battening down the hatches’ in preparation for Hurricane Sandy. I have gallons and gallons of fresh water stored, I tied down anything and everything that could fly away in the yard and I have every battery-operated device charging, like my cell phone, pager, portable radio and of course, my MP3 Player. I’m ready for the worst, so naturally we probably won’t get anything from this storm. It’s already begun raining and the wind is gusting, though they say we won’t see any real Hurricane weather until morning or early afternoon.

Just when I thought I was done with everything I got my PJ’s on and sat down to watch some TV. I heard sirens go screaming by my house and a few seconds later I heard a loud bang, like a gun shot. I jumped up, threw some day clothes on and headed out the door before my pager even went off. A police officer was in pursuit of a drunk driver who had run a stop sign and when the road came to a ‘T’ the drunk driver went straight into the woods. When I got on scene the car was about twenty yards into the trees with two trees laying on top of it. Long story short, we had to cut the trees away from the car and then use the jaws to extricate the guy who had very minor injuries, but opted for a full-package transport (backboard, cervical collar) in order to avoid the police a little longer.

Here’s the kicker of the whole story: the patient is a guy whom I reported to one of the police officers on Friday for being drunk, driving and having an open container in the vehicle. The police officer stopped him at the Fire department on Friday but let him go because his house was only a mile from the department. This happens to be the same police officer who gave chase to this guy tonight. I’m pissed because tonight’s events should not have happened, they could have been prevented. What if the drunk driver had hit another vehicle or seriously injured himself? What if there was a house where he crashed instead of a bunch of trees? And what about my safety and the safety of my fellow responders who had to cut trees and battery cables because only one of the airbags deployed?

The next couple of days should be a busy one for the Fire/Rescue department. Bring it on, Sandy!

The forecasted impact of Hurricane Sandy on the East Coast. I’m ready!



{March 1, 2012}   March: In Like A Lion

My wheels are getting buried as I post this...

A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.  ~Carl Reiner

This is what I woke up to this morning. They’re saying we’ll be getting over a foot by tonight/tomorrow morning. BLAH! No fun. It might be different if I were a skier, snowshoe-r, snowmobile-r or had some kind of use for all of this snow. But as it is, I have no use of my right arm and my left hand is fractured. I can’t even shovel to help out and it takes me a good twenty minutes to a half an hour to clean off my truck. Snow is a pain in my ass! Pretty to look at, hell to deal with. Unfortunately I have to deal with it today… I have to go to the hospital for an appointment. Thank God for four wheel drive! And damn the vacationers who don’t know how to drive in it!

Here’s a weird fact about me: I enjoy driving in snow. It’s a challenge that I accept with open arms. When I’m driving in bad road conditions from the snow, I get into a zone, where nothing goes through my mind except for the task at hand. I don’t know why- maybe because so much can go wrong & I get an adrenaline rush from winning the challenge? I wish I could apply this “zoning- out” skill to my every day life and situations, such as the anxiety issues. Hmmm, maybe I should talk to my therapist about that?

Speaking of my therapist… She called me from her office at eight o’clock last night (late to be at the office) and left me a voice mail saying she had to cancel our session for today. Most people would be like “yeah, there are a lot of cancellations with the snow”. However, I listened to her voice mail and immediately picked up on something strange in her voice. She didn’t sound right. I know, she’s the therapist and I’m the patient and I shouldn’t be “picking” her apart. But I know that her father has been very ill (end stage cancer) and she’s warned me that when he passes away she’ll be gone for a few weeks since he lives out West. Now I’m afraid that this may be the situation. So, she’s the therapist and I’m the patient. Why am I so concerned? She’s the therapist and I’m the patient. I pick up on other people’s feelings so easily and feel them myself. But this shouldn’t happen with my therapist. What’s going on with me?! I’m waiting on a call back from her to reschedule our session but I’m nervous because I feel like I’m putting myself too close to her emotions. This really bothers me because (if you’ve ever seen a shrink, you know) she always masks her emotions so well. It’s near impossible to read her. Maybe I’m just panicking selfishly because I don’t want her to go away for a couple of weeks, I need her to be here when I want to talk to her. Or maybe I’m just being irrational and I am reading into it too much and the truth is she cancelled because of the weather.

That’s my mind for you. Irrational. Runaway train headed for disaster. Always thinking the worst. Attachment issues? Yes, I have those, and few have my trust, so the attachment is strong, like a choke hold or a headlock.

There’s my rambling. I told you– runaway train!



et cetera