I’m a Moron

So my back’s messed up, right? Guess what I did yesterday? I went on a Mountain Rescue, like a moron. We had to carry the guy out from the top of the trail, which is 5.20 miles in from the trail head. I am paying for it today! When will I ever learn? Or will I ever learn? I just rolled out of bed two hours ago and I think I’m headed back there. I’m hurting and I’m exhausted form not getting any quality sleep. Ugh.

What is a ‘Normal’ Low?

Of course I already suffer from depression, but since my back has been out I’ve been super low. I imagine it’s somewhat depressing for anyone when they get injured and are unable to do things they usually do, but I wonder if I take it to an all-new low? Let’s compare my typical day to the last four days:

I would dare say there’s a significant change. Probably a change for the worse. In my insane head, though, I’m not sure that I’m doing all of these things because of the pain… I feel like the pain just helped me fall a little deeper into a depression that was already coming at me head-on. Basically like a “wrong place at the wrong time” situation. I feel like even if I had not hurt my back again that I would still be depressed, just it may have taken another week before I hit so low.

I feel like I’m not even making sense. 😦

Wandering Around… Slowly.

I’ve been wandering around slowly. So slowly, in fact, that even the butterflies are not afraid of me. Check out the pics I snapped a few minutes ago:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ouch” is a Lonely Word

I messed my back up again. It hurts sooo bad. Being in pain sucks and I’m one of those people who, when in pain, wants to be alone, but not left alone. Good luck making sense of that statement. I know I’m a difficult person when I’m in so much pain: I’m irritable, no one can do anything right, I despise my body and myself for the pain, etc…   At this point there’s very little I can do. Even driving is incredibly painful, the only thing that eases the pain is staying perfectly still and holding my breath. So I sit here at the computer or I sit outside and read my book. Both of my parents are home, but neither of them are anywhere near. They’re working in their shop at the rear of the property. It bothers me that they’re here but not here. But how can I blame them when I just admitted how miserable I am to be around when I’m hurting so much?

Unfortunately, I can’t get in to see the doctor until next Tuesday, which means suffering and bitching for the next four days. I’m so miserable that I don’t want to even eat, and forget about trying to sleep. It hurts too much! I just want it better already…

Should It Bother Me?

NO, I DON’T. And that bothers me, because I am who I am, however I can’t be proud of who I am. Should I let it bother me? I admire those that do have “pride”. It takes a strong, courageous person to be who they are in the face of the world, which is still full of ignorant people.

I just had to get this off of my chest, in the only safe place I know.

Am I a coward?

Indecision

Today is day two of serious pain in my mid-to-lower back. The pain is so terrible that I cannot straighten up, my back is involuntarily hunched. I don’t know whether I should bother calling my doctors or not, because sometimes there just isn’t anything they can do about the pain and hearing them voice that seems to add to my misery. I know that this too shall pass, but while living it it seems it could go on forever. There’s no explaining just how it feels. There’s nothing that palliates it- laying down, heat, cold, NSAIDs, Lidocaine patches, every possible position I could sit in… nothing works. I’m severely lacking sleep, which is just worsening the way I feel. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s miserable!

So my battle is between calling my doctors or waiting for it to go away by itself? Is it Fibro pain or have I severely thrown my back out again?

Learning to Cope With Death

This morning I got my first “cold call”. Meaning I was called to a residence for a seventy-nine year old female who was unconscious, unresponsive and not breathing. 911 updated us that she didn’t have a pulse, there was no CPR in progress and the body was cold, we were to continue with traffic. Unfortunately, this happens in my town quite often because we have a lot of elderly folks. I think I could get used to dealing with “bodies” instead of patients. We have a saying in EMS: “They’re already dead, anything you do to help them cannot hurt them”. So deceased patients are our safest patients for legal purposes. Anyways… the part I think I’ll always have a hard time with is dealing with the families. They’re distraught whether it was an unexpected death or not. You just can’t help but feel for them because everyone has endured the death of a loved one, we all know how it feels to lose someone.

So my conclusion is: it’s not the bodies that will creep into my nightmares, it’s the people left behind to cope with the loss. It’s the families that will haunt me. How do you cope with that when you have to deal with it all of the time? Can you really become detached from the situation? Can you ever really get used to it?

Your Bad Luck= My Good Day

The world of EMS… I feel like I should feel bad for feeling good.

My day today:

08:16

I get a page for a forty-year old female having chest pain. I arrive on scene, get her vitals and begin taking a history on the patient. I ask her about any surgeries or medical problems she has had, such as diabetes or heart attacks. She informs me that she has had a gastric bypass, had a small portion of her intestine removed, had her gallbladder removed and a history of acid reflux. At the end of her laundry list of surgeries and medical problems she adds that “I haven’t had sex because my husband is in … (far away city)”. WHAT!? She was taken to the hospital via ambulance.

 

I reported for work, cleaning vacation homes. Not a very rewarding job, but it pays for gasoline for me to be able to volunteer as an EMT.

13:58

Motor vehicle accident, two vehicles, significant damage, injuries and fluids leaking. I abandoned my cleaning job, hopped in my truck and raced to the scene. I was one of the first on scene and I went directly to the vehicle which had not been checked by personnel yet. The driver and only occupant was a twenty-eight year old female and the vehicle had sustained significant damage without airbag deployment, so the first thing I did was climb into the back seat of the car and clamp onto her head to keep her from moving (in case she had a spinal injury). It seemed like forever, but it was really only five minutes maximum, before my team arrived and assisted me with extricating her from the vehicle. She and the other driver were back-boarded and taken to the hospital via ambulance.

So my conclusion for the day: I feel good because I knew what to do to help these people who were in distress and I was able to do it. I feel like I should feel bad for feeling good about it because it’s other people’s bad luck and misfortunes that enable me to feel good. Does that make sense to you?

Acting… Not my Strong Suit

I saw my psychotherapist this morning. It was a short session because I didn’t really have anything to talk about. Well… there wasn’t anything I wanted to talk about. Our session played out very similar to having coffee with a friend- some chit chat and swapping of stories. I didn’t want to talk about how I’ve been very angry lately and don’t know why; I didn’t want to talk about anything, really. Isn’t it strange how sometimes you feel the need to hold things inside, even if they’re eating you alive? I wonder why that is?

*~Pastel Clouds~*

Thunder rumbles in the distance

growing louder as the storm nears

it violates the ears of all existence.

Lightning flashes as the rain pours down

drumming a tune on the roof and window panes

reviving the fields, once dry and brown.

Soon a calm follows the chaos

pastel colors bleed in the sky

a child’s artwork of crayons…